Chapter 31

Church ain’t over until the fat lady sings

Southern Proverb

The days began to pass. And the days slipped into weeks. At the end of each week, Lori continued to write and voice biotechnology reports for the Belchertown business station. Paul usually accompanied her, waiting quietly and patiently among the cold, sterile cubicles outside the stuffy little production studio until she had finished her work. Weekend after weekend, this was the tireless routine, until the receipt of a terse e-mail from the station’s general manager telling her that her services had fallen victim to a sweeping budget cut.

On rare occasions, she would receive a joke from a friend that she thought Nick would like, and she would send it to him. On even more rare occasions, he would acknowledge having received the joke, and he would ask her how she was doing. She would tell him she was well, and then she wouldn’t hear from him again. Until the next joke that was sent that he felt like randomly acknowledging. 

From:

u know i don’t work at buz anymore?

From:

i didn’t know that … what happened?

From:

i’m doing something else now

From:

doing what?

From:

i actually got a job building stonewalls. i’ll get you some pix of the work i did

So Nick was no longer involved in broadcasting either. He was instead building stonewalls. According to Mitch, Nick had been let go from the station, so that someone new could be hired to take his place. Jonathan had reputedly at long last bought the business station. Yet shortly after its purchase, he was curiously on the verge of selling it to another prospective buyer. The incoming owner had been for months in the process of revamping the station, and that included letting go of certain old full-time staffers, like Nick, and replacing them with new hires. Perhaps the new person replacing Nick was someone believed to be more capable than Nick. Perhaps the new person was someone believed to be as capable as Nick, but willing to do his job for far less money. And in broadcasting, it seemed to only take a wink and a nudge and a referral to poor station ratings to oust someone from any position, no matter how dedicated the person, and often … no matter how good or talented the person. 

Lori felt as badly for Nick as she did for herself. At the same time she was intrigued by the irony of his being paid to do something now that for years he had been in many ways paying a price for doing. If there was anyone who believed with heartfelt conviction in the importance of building impenetrable barriers, it was Nick, and Lori was happy to see him slip so effortlessly into a niche he seemed to be custom made for.

More days elapsed. More weeks. More jokes were sent out. More indiscriminate replies were received. How was someone like him still in the periphery of her life? Was it simply her diligence that kept him there, or was it something more?  And why, after all this time, did Lori still care … so damn much?

She e-mailed a joke to him that she had gotten from her uncle Hyman, and then stepped away from the computer to grab some buttered bread and a cup of hot cocoa. When she returned, munching and sipping, she noticed that Nick had sent an e-mail back to her. 

From:

you got your instant messenger on?

Lori’s palms were clammy when his screen name appeared in bold on her computer, a yellow smiley face at its side. It felt like it had been such a long time.

August West00001  u want to play soon

August West00001 just got a cam in the mail for my puter … its pretty cool

August West00001 u want to see

August West00001 let me know how the picture is

She watched as a new box appeared on her screen, asking her if she wanted to view Nick Warren’s web cam. She clicked “yes,” and waited. His face soon appeared, a little blurry, although noticeably unshaven and gaunt. His wild, curly dark hair was messily tucked under a baseball cap. His eyes looked tired, and his face seemed worn, as though roughened by a few too many taxing days and far too few serene nights. 

She wondered if he was okay. She wondered if he was lonely. She wanted to reach out to him, touch him, and hold him in her arms. She wanted to sweep her hand over his forehead and rake his hair with her fingers. 

August West00001 cute huh?

Lori S yes

August West00001 u want me

August West00001 i haven’t had any in ages

Lori S why not?

August West00001 just no luck in getting any

Lori S sorry to hear that

August West00001 i almost forgot what it feels like to be with a female

The box that encased his frail-looking, haggard image turned black. Lori waited for a few seconds to see if his face would reappear. It didn’t.

 Lori S you just faded to black

August West00001 that’s weird

Lori S yeah, what’s up with that?

August West00001 am i there now

Lori S you’re a big black box on my computer screen

August West00001 u there

Lori S i’m here

August West00001 see me

Lori S no

August West00001 see anything now

Lori S no

August West00001 now

The solid black rectangle in the center of her screen was quickly replaced by a still picture of his naked torso. She could see the outline of his ribs. There wasn’t a trace of fat around his middle. He definitely looked like he had lost weight since the last time she had seen him. He just looked like he had been through so much.

August West00001 u see

Lori S quite well, actually

August West00001 u like

Lori S you’re gone again … faded to black

Lori S you’re back again

August West00001 turn u on …

Lori S it’s interesting …

August West00001 u want more

Lori S sure 

August West00001 wish i was there

August West00001 u want me

August West00001 u like this

Lori S yes

She leaned back in her chair and continued watching him. Occasionally he would position the camera so that it captured his jubilant face, which had a satisfied smile spanning from ear lobe to ear lobe. As he danced in front of the web cam, he typed messages to Lori.

August West00001 i could blindfold you

August West00001 and tie your hands to my bed posts

She waited for his words to seize her, and to make her slip into his world and dive headlong into the fantasy. She felt that it had been such a long time since they had related to one another in this way. Yet, upon seeing him after the passage of a very long span of time, her heart surprisingly seemed quieter, calmer than it used to be. She didn’t feel an unnerving chill bound recklessly down her spine; she didn’t have an aching that she had to squeeze her thighs together to suppress. She couldn’t understand why she felt so far removed from everything that he was proposing, and why his words were bouncing off of her like she was enveloped in some kind of protective shield. She wondered if it was because, after having taken such a long hiatus, he had returned only to have it be about him. Lori felt that she could just as easily be a call girl that he was parading around in front of and making propositions to. There was nothing in his words or his actions to make Lori feel that it mattered in the slightest that she was who she was, and that she was there.

Lori S we’ve known each other for such a long time now

August West00001 damn long time

August West00001 so u want to come over

Lori S now?

August West00001 no, but soon

August West00001 i am a very sexual person … i want it everyday, more than once a day … im good at it

Lori S i know you are

August West00001 i like to make the moment feel good … let the other person just let go

August West00001 just let yourself free for a few passionate hours with me

She removed her fingers from the keyboard and sat quietly, staring at the moving picture on her computer. He was still dancing, and still smiling. She knew he was enjoying himself, at least at the moment. And that made her happy. Yet she was still oddly removed, unexpectedly at ease. His actions were just actions. His words were just words. She wanted more of a connection.

Lori S do you think i’m beautiful?

August West00001 yes

Lori S really

August West00001 yes

August West00001 i would date u

August West00001 hopefully u wanted sex every day

Lori S you never told me this before

Lori S thank you for telling me that

August West00001 your welcome

August West00001 tell me what u would do to me now

Lori S put my arms around you

Lori S massage your back, your shoulders

Lori S make you feel loved

August West00001 and

Lori S i guess that wouldn’t be enough?

August West00001 would u want sex with me

August West00001 everyday

August West00001 with me

Lori S ummm

August West00001 tell me

August West00001 hey my cam died

Lori S hope that didn’t destroy the moment for you

August West00001 errr

August West00001 it did

Lori S oh no

Lori S after all that work

August West00001 i know

August West00001 well go to bed

Lori S okay, have a nice night, Nick

August West00001 u 2

Lori S it’s been fun … 

Lori stared at the computer screen. She watched August West00001 fade from black and bold to a pale gray. She left her computer on, crawled onto her nearby bed and slipped under a plush comforter. The radiator sitting under her drafty bedroom window hissed and sputtered, trying to cut through the cool air circulating in the room. Lori wriggled underneath her bedcovers, and began to feel the discomfort of the chilly night ease as she basked in the quirky warmth of knowing that Nick had become a mere click away from contact. Once again.

The days passed, as well as the nights. And the days became perched and ready to turn into weeks. August West00001 was unyieldingly pale and gray and idle in the far right-hand corner of her computer screen. Had he suddenly become unbearably busy? Was he traveling? Was he in some kind of trouble? Or was he actually silently and sneakily there, in “invisible mode,” spying on Lori every time she logged onto her instant messenger account at different times of the day, and waiting for that perfect moment to pounce back into her life like a jaguar after just enough time had drifted by to mount the tension, and to make Lori want him all the more desperately.  To make him want her.

It was a brisk winter morning, and it seemed much like any other brisk winter morning until Lori scanned the front page of one of the local newspapers and saw something that made any of her concerns over Nick seem ridiculously inconsequential. “Ripped-off investors…”  “Con artist…” “Subtle scheme…” “Mail fraud…” “Dramatic confession…” “Wife unaware…” “Freezing of Mogul’s Assets…” “Prospective buyer pulls out…” “Scandal…” “Deceit…” “Tragedy…” 

Lori’s eyes couldn’t take in all the information fast enough. Line after line in the front-page article described station owner Jonathan’s mimicking of a scam based on that of Charles Ponzi, who, back in 1920, swindled 10 million dollars in six month’s time from trusting investors. Jonathan had apparently stolen millions of dollars from clients of his firm over a span of decades, and had used at least some of the stolen money to purchase WBUZ. He had gotten caught. And now he was going to jail.  

Ponzi scheme. Deception. Lori couldn’t believe it. She knew this person. She knew this person as seemingly friendly, confident, successful. How could this be? Suddenly, he was spotlighted as having led a life of deception, a life with a heavy payoff for the short-term, followed by a heavy cost for the long-term. Why did he choose this for himself? Wouldn’t it have been better to have led a life of quiet calm- no thrills, no chills, but with no pretense? Wouldn’t it have been better to have lived with nothing to hide, and nothing in the end to regret?  

Lori listened to the sounds of heavy breathing coming from the next room. It was Paul, sleeping in on that brisk winter morning while Lori read about Jonathan in the newspaper. It was gentle Paul, slumbering away in Lori’s twisted sheets, under her soft, plush comforter. Quiet calm. No pretense, nothing to hide, and nothing in the end to regret. 

Lori positioned her mouse so that with a couple of clicks August West00001, pale and gray and seemingly idle, disappeared. Again. A sharp-shooting pain swept through her insides as she stared at the computer screen. She drew a deep breath and let the air very slowly out of her lungs. She knew it was the right thing to do, regardless of the feeling in her gut. 

From:  

sorry i haven’t written in a while

been in the hospital

something’s not working right

i’m home now

call me

What was this? An e-mail. He had contacted her. He had contacted her. He seemed to want to share something with her. He seemed to want to share something with her. Share something. With her.

“Are you okay?” Lori asked with heaviness in her voice she couldn’t suppress. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” he said. Silence followed.

“Can I visit you?” she asked. 

“Sure. I’ll give you the directions.”

He had led her to a different place than she had been to in the past. It was a small house that he was renting with a roommate, and it was in a quiet neighborhood. She pressed down on a semi-lit doorbell and could soon hear him calling to her from a room inside.

He was kneeling on a couch in his living room when she entered. He looked small to her, like a little boy, with his thin, fragile legs bent under him and his nimble fingers wrapped around a television remote control. He paused the sporting event that was playing on his big screen TV and looked up at her. 

“How are ya?” he asked. 

“Fine,” she said.

“Thanks for comin’ here. I can show you around if you want.”

“Sure.”

He stood up and, waving his arms around, said, “This is our living room.” He took a few steps toward the back of the house. “This is the bathroom, in case you have to go. Here’s my roommate’s room, here’s my room. Here’s our kitchen…”

“Nice little place you guys have here,” Lori said. She noticed a stuffed animal sitting by Nick’s bedside. She felt a jolt of envy looking at it. She thought about someone giving him something that he felt strongly enough about to keep, and display. 

“Do you wanna cuddle with me in my room?” he asked.

“Yes.”

They lay down together on his bed. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he placed his arm around her and caressed the small of her back with his hand. She swept her hand gently back and forth across his chest, causing him to moan softly with each stroke. She slipped her fingers underneath his shirt and massaged his bare skin.

“It’s been such a long time since I’ve been with a woman,” he said. “I’ve practically forgotten what it feels like.” 

She continued to caress his skin, and he continued to moan. She felt like they could lie like that forever, next to each other, cuddling. Just being together. It was the first time she had ever been with him in which just being close to one another seemed to be enough. 

She leaned her head closer to his. He turned his face toward her and kissed her softly on her mouth. He gently pulled her hand from where it rested on his stomach and placed it over his chest so she could feel his heart thumping.

“See? It’s working now,” he said, chuckling. 

Lori could hear rain pouring outside the wall of his bedroom. It sounded like torrents were gushing from the roof and smacking hard against the ground. She pictured the world outside weeping uncontrollably as she and Nick drew closer and relived their past one last time. The rainwater continued to beat fiercely into the ground. Nick would be gone just a few months later. 

Knowing Nick made Lori look at her life differently. Knowing him made Lori look at life itself differently.  Perhaps it was enough for her to know that, at the very least, she made a ripple in his still deep pond, cold as fresh fallen rainwater after an autumn storm. Nick wanted her, as much as he could want anyone who was so different from him. She wanted him, more than anything because he was so different from her. And she knew that in ways that stemmed beyond just the physical, they had touched each other, and not in spite of their differences, but because of their differences. 

If she ever did eventually walk down the aisle, she knew a part of her would linger behind, unable to take those steps, unable to take any vows. And that part of her was the part that Nick would always have. It was the part of her that was so filled with emptiness, there just wasn’t enough there for her to give to anyone she was able to physically or emotionally feel, hear, or even see. It was a part of her that was equivalent to the part of Nick that he had allowed her to have: an illuminated type-written name boxed into a corner of her computer screen.

“I am going to put you in my book some day,” she remembered Nick seductively boasting to her early on in their affair, despite the fact that there probably wasn’t an editor alive at the time with the proper balance of patience and allegiance to work with him. And years later, long after he was gone, Lori would find herself walking into a bookstore, looking for her name on a shelf, and his name on a page.

The End

Thank you for reading!

Here is a link to a real-life illustration of a challenging relationship dynamic, entitled “Reeling.”

And here are some other interesting and pertinent links:

DeMars Coaching – YouTube (DeMars Coaching)

Surviving Narcissism – YouTube (Dr. Les Carter)

NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone – YouTube (NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone)

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc – YouTube (Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc)

DoctorRamani – YouTube (DoctorRamani)