Chapter 28

A clear conscience is a soft pillowGerman Proverb

The days and nights began to unfold, long and void, filled with nothing more than the silence of abandonment. Within every hour that ticked away, there were at least one or two moments colored either by hopeful longing that Lori would hear from Angela, or the hollow despair of believing she had lost her forever. She knew that she was just as drawn to Angela, and just as drawn to Rutherford, as apparently they were to each other. She also knew that what she was drawn to in Angela and Rutherford was similar to what she was drawn to in Nick. She had her own opaque darkness, and her own deep wounds that just wouldn’t seem to heal, and there was a peculiar, almost shameful, comfort in knowing that she wasn’t the only one harboring them. All the same, she felt a peculiar, almost shameful, need to try to comfort those who she knew harbored these same deep wounds.

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Angela,

I never wanted to upset you to the extent that I did the last time we had talked. Toward the end of that conversation, you had said that you felt the advice that I had been giving you was “damaging,” and that was at least part of what I had reacted to. Up until then, I thought I had been helping, not hurting, by trying to be there when you needed someone to talk to, and I had tried to keep an open mind with the things you confided in me, and tried to keep my opinions somewhere in the neutral zone. I’m not sure, as time went on, and I saw how upset you would get, and how often you would seem upset, if my opinions ended up staying so neutral. I guess I got too emotionally involved in what you’ve been going through, and more than anything I didn’t want to see anyone get hurt. 

I’ve been feeling badly that I never got the chance to explain myself. I’m sorry if I made matters worse- but I really didn’t mean to, and I need for you to know this.

Lori

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Lori, 

I appreciate your comments. But really, all things considered, I just can’t continue in this friendship any longer. It’s not just a few isolated incidents; it’s a lot of things. Seems as much as we both try NOT to hurt each other, we end up doing just that. I don’t want to analyze things anymore; we both did the best we could. It’s just time to admit that the relationship doesn’t work, and just throw in the towel before things get worse.

I wish you only the best in life.

Angela

It was a heavy blow aimed right at Lori’s lower gut. She stared at the computer screen for a few moments, hoping to see the words on the screen turn more amicable, and less absolute. Yet, if anything, the words became more direct, more callous, and less forgiving with each unfolding second. 

The sharp-shooting pain that she was feeling in her stomach was similar to the pain she had felt many times over in the past with Nick. Yet this pain curiously seemed to be much stronger. It clawed even deeper inside of her; it scratched the lining of her intestine with pointier, longer nails, and left behind deeper, bloodier gashes. Lori had really gotten to know Angela, and Angela had really gotten to know Lori. They had shared an intimacy that had never been muddied by pulsing testosterone or dizzying pheromones. They had given to and taken from each other freely, unabashedly, clear-minded and strong-willed.  They had formed a bond.

Lori realized then that her world could be turned just as tumultuous and nauseating by a female as by a male. Angela was showing the same eerie ability as Nick to swing from all to none, in one detached bat of an eyelid. It was a similar hypnotic wave of scorching hot intensity followed by frosty estrangement. 

But there was one difference.

This was Angela.

This was not Nick.

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Dear Lori,

My mom told me you called, and are sending a doll. Thank you in advance, although I cannot have any dolls in my room with me because the cats would tear them to shreds. Don’t quite understand why you are doing this, Lori … I mean, not letting go of our friendship. It is not just I who has been hurt by you; you have also been hurt by me. And it finally became painfully clear to me that we just don’t communicate properly. There’s been way too much misunderstanding and hurt feelings as a result. Why would you want to continue this? 

It feels like in some ways we bring out the worst in each other, and end up inadvertently causing each other a good deal of unnecessary anguish. I have of course missed you over the last several weeks … But a part of me has also felt RELIEF not having to worry about getting hurt by you, or being the one hurting you.

What do you propose doing about this? I am open to anything, but I also feel very guarded right now. Scared is more to the point. I do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT want to open myself up to getting hurt again.

Angela

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Dear Angela,

I hate whenever I upset you, and I know you feel the same about me. And I’m not sure if we can get past this or not. But what I do know is that I have come to care very deeply about you, and have considered you to be one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. A lot has to do with how much you’ve been willing to share with me, and lean on me as a friend. 

The bottom line is all I’ve ever wanted to be is a good friend to you in return. The love is there; the caring is there. I’ve been so happy that we’ve gotten to know each other and that the friendship has developed. But for a while now, I really haven’t known what it is that you need from me, and what I can do to be there for you without upsetting you at the same time. 

Now I’M the one putting it all into words in a stupid e-mail, but I know if we met face to face I wouldn’t be able to put the words together the way I am now. I still really would like to talk to you in person, and see if we can pick up the pieces here. And I’ll leave you with this: Although I feel that I’ve gotten to know a lot of people over the years, it’s a rare few that I feel I can really connect with. You, my dear, have been one of those rare few, crazy as things seem to be and get between us at times. And that’s why I’m having such a difficult time letting go. I see all the good, as well as the bad. I guess I’ve been wishing that you could see the same.

Lori

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

I think what happened, Lori, is that you (and probably me, too, at times) just went too far with the “tough love” and crossed into mistreatment. During our last conversation, you had the complete audacity to accuse me of “dragging” my friends into my problems! That’s when I knew I had to just walk away and refuse to listen to any more verbal attacks from you. Lori, let me take this opportunity to remind you that YOU HAD ASKED, LITERALLY BEGGED ME, TO CALL YOU AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY PROBLEMS, BEFORE TURNING TO SOMETHING SELF-DESTRUCTIVE LIKE DROWNING MY SORROWS IN ALCOHOL. I finally took the risk of calling you a few times when I was down and out (instead of drinking), not feeling in the least like I was “dragging” you into anything because you had made it so clear that you WANTED to be of help … only to have my weaknesses thrown up at me with the accusation you made that day. I felt myself FILLED with regrets for having opened up to you and made myself so vulnerable to you. I also felt like you had NO RIGHT to lump all of my friends together, making it seem like everyone in my life felt “dragged” into my problems. None of my friends feel that way. Believe me, I asked them all after that. And they thought it was horrible that you would say such a thing to me. 

I honestly felt that, as much as you claimed to want to make me happy, sometimes you would deliberately cut me down to size to make me feel awful, and even ashamed of myself. 

So … That’s what I mean when I say that I really think you went well beyond “tough love” into a realm that only had the effect of plunging me into an even deeper depression than before a conversation with you. 

Angela

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Dear Angela,

Thanks for opening up a dialogue with me. I wish that you could have explained to your friends that my comment (stupid as it was, and it WAS stupid) came after you referred to my advice as having been damaging. My reaction totally sucked, and I wanted to apologize for that as soon as the words flew out of my mouth. At some point in time, I’d like to just talk to you. Go to a restaurant. Eat, laugh, and just be friends. Maybe lay off the advice for a while. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to talk to me, and confide things in me. That’s what’s made our friendship so special- and GOOD. But maybe I’ll be a better friend to you if I just listen to what you’re saying, instead of feeling like I have to advise you on things, and maybe you’ll be a better friend to yourself if you believe in yourself enough to trust your OWN advice. You’re a much stronger, wiser person than you give yourself credit for being. And I’m just one of many fools on this big ol’ ship!

Lori

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Lori, look. I really never wanted to end the friendship. I just wanted to end the pain that we were both (unwittingly) causing each other. I never thought we wouldn’t EVER be friends again. It just seemed that the BOTH of us had overstepped each other’s boundaries too many times, and I just found myself unable to cope with it any longer. Looking back, I know I over-reacted. But I was in a VERY fragile place at that point, and the last thing I needed (as I’m sure you can understand) was a close friend throwing accusations at me, and making me feel even guiltier than ever. I can understand how my comment about your saying things to “damage” me could have upset you greatly. I realize that by getting hysterical, I also denied myself the opportunity to explain what I’d meant by that. All I meant was that sometimes friends, even with the best of intentions, can say things to exacerbate a situation and cause even more depression and/or anxiety. I want to get a therapist to AVOID this sort of thing. Therapists are trained to know what to say and what NOT to say when a client is going through a hellish time. And even therapists can make mistakes and cause more harm than good! I never meant for you to think that EVERYTHING you’d ever said had “damaged” me. That is FAR from the truth. Much of your advice and counseling has been VERY helpful, and I appreciated it greatly! It just seemed to me that once you started to think you needed to give me the “tough love” approach, you got carried away with that and crossed some invisible line into what I felt was mistreatment. You were literally turning into a “Lori” I didn’t know or understand anymore. And I just did not know how to react. I wanted the OLD Lori back!! I can take an occasional “kick in the ass,” but it started to feel like you were putting your whole foot up there- and it was starting to hurt!

I feel the same way as you about knowing a lot of people, but feeling there are only very few that I can truly “connect” with- you being one of them. I just want us to figure out how to capitalize on that part of our relationship without getting into a lecturing mode … or assuming things about each other that may not be accurate. 

By the way, I only told two friends- Judy and Eileen- what happened between us. And their feelings were that you and I probably both said things we didn’t mean in the heat of the moment, and that we would be friends again when the dust settled. They also both told me that you probably hadn’t really meant that you’d felt “dragged” into my problems, and that I shouldn’t feel that I had been some kind of burden to you. They also know that we’re “talking” again, and they’ve been encouraging me to try to work it out … because they know how much I care about you and how much the friendship has meant to the both of us over the last several years. So please don’t think anyone hates you or thinks that you are a jerk. Quite honestly, Lori, I think we have BOTH acted like jerks to each other at certain points. And I just want that crap to stop, is all. We both need to be a lot gentler with each other. We are both highly sensitive people, and that needs to be handled carefully, you know?

Angela

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

I’m feeling a lot better. Honestly, I had been really down and out since our argument. I mean, really depressed. My reaction to everything made me very aware of the fact that I really don’t rebound well at all from setbacks. This is another reason why our argument hit me so hard, as well as the possibility that the friendship was over. I want to be there for you when you’re feeling this way- because I understand, and can really relate. Our friendship gives me this weird feeling of security, like there’s someone else out there who “knows.”

I really do feel sometimes like I’m in a “blind leading the blind” situation, because I wrestle with a lot of doubts and confusion about things all the time. I don’t feel like I’m in a position to be doling out advice to anyone- ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships! Relationships are just so unique to the people that are in them … Also, I’m majoring in biology, not psychology. I might as well be Lucy Van Pelt with a booth taking nickels from little kids in the middle of a sidewalk.

Anyway, glad we’re on the road to recovery.

Lori

(stay tuned for chapter 29…)

Here is a link to a real-life illustration of a challenging relationship dynamic, entitled “Reeling.”

And here are some other interesting and pertinent links:

DeMars Coaching – YouTube (DeMars Coaching)

Surviving Narcissism – YouTube (Dr. Les Carter)

NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone – YouTube (NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone)

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc – YouTube (Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc)

DoctorRamani – YouTube (DoctorRamani)