Youtube link to audiobook of Chapter 12 and the rest of the book!

Chapter 12

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness
         Chinese Proverb

From:

Subject:  Duck!

To:

Dearest,

I dropped Babette off at the airport this morning. It was great to have sex constantly for the last week, but things between us took a drastic change last night. I’m still in a state of near-shock about it, because it confirmed some things that I’ve wondered about myself, and it brought home some very important points that I need to deal with.

Basically, we started talking about the whole “us” thing. She brought up the subject. In a nutshell, she told me that she feels like I’ve “used” her, treated her like an “object,” and that I’m “selfish, cold, calculating, manipulative,” and that I have “little or no conscience” about other people’s feelings. She basically described ME as the same person that I’ve told you that Nick is, even though I don’t know the guy! I was like “Okay … I see your point … NOT!” I told her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that I’m the type of person that has a hard time letting my feelings show, and that I really do have a conscience about things. God dammit … the mere fact that I can’t bring myself to tell her that I don’t want to see her anymore is proof that I DO have a conscience and that I DO care about peoples’ feelings, isn’t it!?!? 

Who knows? I’ve drank a pint of Stolichnaya and six beers in the last couple of hours, so I’d better get outta here before I start rambling about stupid crap. 

Yours in the madness of life,

Rutherford

There was something deep inside of Lori that was still crying out for the development of some kind of connection, or disconnection. Whatever it was that was squirming around inside of her, it seemed to be aching for answers to as-of-yet unasked questions. She supposed she had many inner voices screaming to be heard, voices of the sort one would hear in a padded room in Bellevue.

She hadn’t heard from Nick for quite some time. It had been months since he had scooped up the ball that had landed in his court after the seemingly endless push-pull battle of the egos. It had been months since she had succumbed to his overtures, out of a weakness she could not explain, and he had run away to leave her behind in a nebulous cloud. And it had been months during which she realized that she needed to treat him like a particle- and ray-emitting radioactive substance in the laboratory, and minimize her exposure by increasing her distance, and decreasing her time.

Then she saw him. He was filling in for one of the board operators in the station’s control room, and was taking a break at his desk when she approached him. She gave him a quick nod, and continued onward toward a secluded, soundproof studio.  She said nothing to him, and he said nothing to her. They did not even look directly at one another. Yet simple peripheral glimpses of him out of the corner of her eye resurfaced an old familiar unsettling preoccupation. The little intimations of his presence, salient reminders of his existence, both saddened and frustrated her at the same time. 

The autumn sky harbored a full moon, a tremendous pale yellow circle, unmistakable behind two dark branches outside Lori’s window. She sat perched over her computer, wondering if the lunar roundness and the oddity it was supposed to invoke would help or hinder her thoughts. 

She felt a stabbing pain as her eyes fell upon some old messages of Nick’s, still left undeleted among hundreds of miscellaneous messages she had never found time to remove from her e-mail site. After such a long span of time of not seeing or talking to him, his essence had reappeared for a second time in one day. It was just as real or surreal as any of the other hundreds of type-written messages he had personally sent to Lori over the past year. Seeing something that belonged to him on her computer screen was as nostalgic as smelling the scent of a fragrance she had used the night of her senior prom. It was sadly intoxicating. 

Still, there was a dormant anger that began to well up inside of her at the sight of his name. It poked and prodded at her, and formed little bumps that raised the light hairs on the surface of her arms. 

The full moon sprayed its black magic. Lori’s fingers began dancing on the computer keyboard and transformed her into an anonymous entity, an entity primed to experience the unlimited possibilities that could arise from being camouflaged. She could become invisible, and yet ever so apparent all at the same time. It was a notion that fed into her like a delightfully decadent banana split sundae on a scorching hot Sunday afternoon.

 “Desiree Jones” became her cyberspace alter ego. The name had popped into her head because of someone she had known in high school. The real Desiree Jones had been a beautiful Afro-American girl with big, soulful eyes and rich chocolate skin, and what always looked like a hint of a smile on her face. She had radiated elegance and a confidence that Lori always secretly admired, and also silently envied. Now Lori wanted Desiree to say all the things she so badly wanted to say yet had been unable to. She wanted Desiree to go on journeys that she didn’t have the daring to go on herself. She wanted Desiree to disassemble the thick, shiny armor that hid the vulnerable, human side of the boy that Lori was never able to expose on her own. She wanted Nick, for once, to feel and be as vulnerable as he had made her feel and be for so long.

From: Desiree Jones 

A friend of mine told me about you. She said you were good. Is this true?

With one eye open and the other sealed shut, she stared at the words “message sent.” It was done, and she calmly shut down her computer. Yet sickly warmth slowly started filling her cheeks and creeping up her neck. Suddenly she just wasn’t sure how much she really wanted to connect with him again. She had been holding her own for such a long time, nurturing herself, succeeding in breaking free from his hold. After having come so close to emancipation, why would she opt again for imprisonment? 

She woke up the next morning and logged into her e-mail.  She saw the number “1” in the “unread messages” slot. 

It was indeed a message.

It was from .

Contact had been made. 

From:  

well it depends on who is asking!!!

From: Desiree Jones 

Who do you want to be asking?

From:  

first of all, a nice attractive female.

There was a familiar comfort in watching the resurrection of something Lori believed had ended. And yet, knowing that the resurrection was tainted by deception and fueled by a kind of psychotic vengeance made her feel ashamed. While she had no great love for being wounded, it was easier for her to live with the pain of her own war borne contusions than it was for her to bear the sight of those she knowingly inflicted on someone else. 

Desiree Jones had to be defused. She would never bring any kind of closure to the silent humiliation that had been left lingering in the stale air. All that remained was the risk of her secret being revealed. Too much of anything in life was too much indeed. But before Desiree could vanish like she never existed back into the mysterious cyberspace from which she came, Nick started to send inquisitive messages to her. At least for the moment, it looked as though the lie had been believed, the bait eaten by the fish, the wild fowl attracted to the decoy.

From:  

I WAS JUST WONDERING… who mentioned me to you???

From: Desiree Jones 

Someone you had a really good time with. Feel free to guess, if you want.

The interaction ended there. She assumed he had left for the day. She logged off the computer and started to work on some Calculus problems at her desk. She blankly stared down at a page of notes. Pythagorean theorem. Limit of differentials. Arc length. Inverse functions. The words meant nothing to her as thoughts about her new connection were oversaturating her mind. Where was it to go?  He sounded accessible, curious.

He also sounded vulnerable.

She was excited about the prospects. As long as she kept the mystery alive, perhaps it was possible for her to keep the connection alive as well. The question was, did she want a connection with him that would last indefinitely? More importantly, did she want the kind of connection that was based solely on fantasy? Was he capable of relating to someone for the long-term in any way other than as a fantasy?

Was she?

It was late, and Lori was in bed. She pulled the covers over the bridge of her nose and stared up at little bumps of splattered white paint on the surface of an otherwise smooth ceiling. Keeping every inch of herself warm and sheathed in her blanket, she closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. Yet there was too much emotion circulating inside of her; too much confused energy rebounding within the walls of her body like a bouncing silver sphere in a pinball machine. 

Nowadays, there seemed to be an unlimited number of games people could play with each other, almost fearlessly, in unnerving silence. The Internet was a soundproof room within which anyone could scream anything they wanted to on the top of their lungs, with no one on the outside to hear. And even on the inside, the identities of the screamers were protected by a maze of walls, some higher than others, some lower. There were instant messenger “privacy preferences,” giving you control over who could see you and who could not, who could contact you and who could not. There were ways to block e-mail addresses and prevent mail from coming through from certain people you did not want to hear from. All had the same protective purpose; all had the same ability to allow some in, to shut others out. And all had the same underlying intent: to facilitate communication, but to destroy intimacy. 

From:  

joyce,

sheri,

mona,

jenn

am i close????

From: Desiree Jones 

No

The discovery of things that you did not, in reality, wish to know, was one of the ramifications of posing as one’s own private emissary. Lori realized then that she was vulnerable as well. Perhaps she was even more vulnerable than Nick was. 

From:  

what about kerry, julie or misty??

i’ve been so good for so long that i can’t keep up with all their namesϑ

so just tell me who said all that stuff to you!!!!!

From: Desiree Jones 

No

From:  

so why are you messing with me???? why wont you just tell me?? so what is your point in emailing me? 

so what is in it for me or you with all these emails????

From: Desiree Jones 

I heard you were good. I wanted to find out for myself. Are you available?

From:  

ok … so what is the next step you want to take?

how do i know you are telling the truth? how do i know if you are a female??? 

From: Desiree Jones 

How many guys do you know that are named Desiree?

And you didn’t answer my question about availability. What’s your situation?

From:  

WELL I’LL TELL YOU THAT WHEN YOU TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOU OR WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT ME

From:  

MAYBE SOME ONE IS MESSIN WITH ME

From: Desiree Jones 

No one’s messing with you. You’ve got my name. What else do you want to know? 

From:  

WELL I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO MENTIONED ME TO YOU? NOT TO BE MAD AT THEM OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.  JUST WONDERING

From: Desiree Jones 

I don’t want to say.

Are you still in touch with any of the girls you mentioned?

From:  

NO I WAS JUST NAMING SOME OF MY FRIENDS. SO WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

From: Desiree Jones 

My friend met you in Belchertown

From:  

ok now we are getting closer … so if you trust me you will tell me who told you about me … i won’t say a word … i’m just getting boggled here thinking of who told you … please tell me!!!!

From:  

SO LET’S SEE…. BELCHERTOWN. 

COULD THE PERSON BE BRENDA OR LORI? 

From: Desiree Jones 

Are you interested in getting to know me, or do you only care about who told me about you?

From:  

WELL YEAH I WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, BUT WILL YOU EVER TELL ME WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT ME?

From: Desiree Jones 

Let’s get back to you. Tell me about yourself.

The exchange abruptly ended. After several moments, Lori logged out of Desiree’s site and shut the computer down. She was convinced that people were turning into cyborgs, their brains governed by modern world cybernetics, a mini universe with endless possibilities. They could be actors or actresses incognito; they could get their hearts thumping fiercely in their chests without moving from their seats. She marveled at how easy it was to hide from others, and at the same time how easy it was to reach out. Life for her seemed to be becoming a sort of virtual reality with virtual relationships. Progressive technology had created a venue where the lonely could go to ease their suffering without risk. All the same, she wondered if perhaps it wasn’t progressive technology that had contributed to the loneliness in the first place.

From:

Subject:  Rug burn

To:

Dearest,

Babette called me yesterday. Oh boy was it fun. Once again, she tells me I’m a “manipulator” and that I’m just “using” her. I was like “Okay… so what do you want to do about it?” I thought she’d tell me to get lost, but NO! She quickly softened up and before I knew it she was making plans for us to get together and drive up to Oregon in March. 

Lori, the bottom line here is that I don’t think I’m “manipulating” anyone. If she wants to send me money or buy me an airline ticket to Kansas City even though I did NOT ask for it, does that make me a “manipulator?” HUH? The only reason I said I’d like to go to Oregon with her is because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings!!!! I’m not “manipulating” anyone!!!!! I don’t even WANT to go to Oregon!!!

Manipulate THIS!

Rutherford Gimby 

Lori had been sitting upright in her bed for hours, keeping one eye on a paperback novel, and the other on the fragmented numbers flipping over on her digital clock. She closed her book and threw it on the floor. She turned the light out, and her ears filled with the same thick silence she heard every night shortly before falling asleep. She let the echoes of emptiness lull her into a light, restless slumber tainted with a cautious anticipation of what the following day would bring.

From:  

YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME. WORK FOR AN AM DADIO STATION IN BELCHERTOWN. THAT KEEPS ME BUSY. SO WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE AND I JUST WONDERED WHY YOU WOULD TAKE SOMEONE’S WORD ON HOW “GOOD” I AM?

From: Desiree Jones

AM dadio station?

From:

AM radio station

From: Desiree Jones 

What kinds of looks or personality turn you on? 

From:  

TELL ME WHY YOU ARE SO INTERESTED IN ME?? HOW CAN YOUR FRIEND’S WORD BE SO STRONG THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE OF ME

From: Desiree Jones 

What type of girl are you attracted to???

From:  

a lot of different things in a girl turn me on … the hair, the eyes, the body, the way she acts, and also the little things she does.

what’s your number so we can talk more?

From: Desiree Jones 

I’d like to get to know you better this way first. 

You leave early, don’t you?

From:  

no i don’t leave early …  i leave around 5-ish … so what part of the story that your friend mentioned really got you turned on to me? where did i meet your friend in Belchertown? you sound pretty mysterious, that’s got me in a confused state right now!!!!

From:  

hey by the way what kind of guy turns you on? you haven’t mentioned much about yourself. if your friend knows me then she must have told you more about me than i have already told you.

Another session ended for the day, and this time Lori was the one to walk away from it.  She knew she would be in store for another restive night.  More pulses of energy would shoot around her insides. Synaptic explosions would ripple through the muscles of her arms and legs and cause her to mold her bed sheets into damp, sweaty twists.

From behind closed eyelids, late at night, she could see clouds moving swiftly across the sky and dark patches of emptiness emerging from behind them. If there were distant stars that were out of scope, she would never know. For all she could see were the clouds, and the emptiness.

From: Desiree Jones 

What experiences stand out most in your mind? Who in your past really made you feel GOOD?

From:  

i’m open to trying lots of things……. what do you have in mind that we do? try some really exciting???

From:  

i’m open to trying lots of things….. what do you have in mind that we do? try some really exciting???

From:  

i’m open to trying lots of things … what do you have in mind that we do? try some really exciting???

From: Desiree Jones 

Didn’t I get this message already? 

From:  

i sent it only once

From: Desiree Jones 

Well I received it three times. See? You ‘re so good at giving it you don’t even realize it when you are 

From:  

hehe … you should try me

 From:  

so when are you gonna give me your number so we can hook up??????

From: Desiree Jones 

I am someone you know.

Are you surprised?

From:  

yeah, so give me some more hints!!!!!!!!

From:  

i’m busy here at work and thinking of a million things at once

ok here’s my guess

sheri

heather

hope

jenn

pam

kelly-jo

From:  

so am i right on any of those guesses??????

From: Desiree Jones 

Forget it

From:  

could this be Lori???

From:  

why should i forget it?????? tell me 

She walked away from the computer. Her body was vibrating, mildly convulsing with each wave of bedlam that swam underneath the surface of her skin. She walked into her bathroom, turned on the shower, and dunked her head under a spray of lukewarm water. When she emerged, her hair tucked messily under a towel, she noticed that the red voice-mail message light was glowing on her phone. She pushed numbers to retrieve the message so quickly that the automated female voice-mail operator claimed she did not understand the code. Lori tried again, more slowly, her sweaty fingers slipping off of the edges of the buttons. She impatiently waited to hear what had been left for her.

“Hey, Lori. It’s Nick. Here at work.” His voice had a sardonic tone. “Give me a call at the station. Just gonna ask you a quick question. Bye.”

She swallowed hard. Instead of calling him back, she quietly returned to her computer. She logged back onto her e-mail.

From:  

SO WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

From:  

SO YOU NEED MY SERVICES

From:  

SO YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME KNOW AT THE STATION LAST SATURDAY. I WOULD HAVE SATISFIED YOUR NEEDS TO THE EXTREME.

From:  

so why no response???? huh? 

(stay tuned for chapter 13…)

Here is a link to a real-life illustration of a challenging relationship dynamic, entitled “Reeling.”

And here are some other interesting and pertinent links:

DeMars Coaching – YouTube (DeMars Coaching)

Surviving Narcissism – YouTube (Dr. Les Carter)

NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone – YouTube (NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone)

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc – YouTube (Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc)

DoctorRamani – YouTube (DoctorRamani)

Dr. Todd Grande – YouTube (Dr. Todd Grande)

Crappy Childhood Fairy – YouTube (Anna Runkle- Crappy Childhood Fairy)

Donielle Jolie Yanez – YouTube (Donielle Jolie Yanez)