Chapter 26

Even a small thorn causes festering
Irish Proverb

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Hey- I have lost TEN POUNDS in less than two weeks, just from being off Lexapro and on a new medication!!! I have a feeling the weight is going to fall off me, because a lot of it was “false weight.” I also have tons of energy, like you wouldn’t believe. Screw the vitamins! Give me meds instead any day of the week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angela

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

I’m on a swinging pendulum with you here. It wasn’t that long ago that you were saying “screw the medications, just take vitamins.” Why not wait a while and see what works for the long-term before you do a complete upheaval of your lifestyle? I’ve heard you talk about pounds just “melting away” a few times before, and losing five pounds here and five pounds there, only to have the weight come back again. I’m not sure I believe in any real magic formula when it comes to weight gain and loss, or that one thing is necessarily so much better than the other. I’d still take vitamins, exercise, and keep doing the things that you know are healthy for you. 

Lori

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

I was JUST KIDDING when I said “screw the vitamins; give me the medication!” The e-mail could not capture this… but I was actually MAKING FUN OF MYSELF!!!!! The fact that I am always looking for (and think I’m finding) quick fixes to all my problems is kinda humorous to me… So I was just poking fun at myself. Who knows if this will work? I think if I combine it with healthy eating habits and exercise, though, it has a good chance of working. 

I thought you would “get” my joke, but apparently not. That’s not your fault; like we’ve said a million times, e-mail is not the best way to communicate.

I do know that the Welbutran is making me feel better mentally than the Lexapro. I have some leftover Lexapro if you want it. 

Love you!!!

Angela

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

I’m so used to your intense, hair-raising, feverish focus on new pursuits, how in the heck am I supposed to realize you’re kidding, you loon?

Well, I guess I’m off to bed. Did some reading for geography, will do the rest tomorrow morning. My studying schedule this week should be pretty manageable, so long as I give myself some breaks in between. 

Talk to you sometime soon. Let me know when you’d like to try for another get-together. 

Lori

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Please cut me some slack, will you? The ONLY reason I ever indulged in so-called “hair-raising, feverish focus on new pursuits” was because, after having been morbidly DEPRESSED for the past THREE YEARS, I was just completely desperate for something to ease the pain of my very existence. I was open to ANYTHING- be it drugs, vitamins, exercise, what have you. I will not hide the fact that I am STILL depressed, still searching, searching for something that will help me deal with the every day pain of survival.

Angela

Lori didn’t understand what it was that drew some people to malevolence over and over again.  She wondered if it could be the undeniable challenge of conquering something virtually unconquerable, and the thrill of the occasional victory, even if it was only temporary. Could those transient moments of glory be so powerful as to wash away all the plaguing memories of failure, generating a natural high like one gets from the rush of endogenous endorphins? If so, then she supposed it was no great secret as to why the moths continued to get burned by the same damning flame. Why the alcoholic kept stocking the liquor. Why the battered wife insisted on bailing her husband out of jail. Why she …

From:  

did you find the caricature i drew of you, under your calendar?

From:  

it’s  good.  is it suppose to look like me?

well if it is u forgot my think piece!

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think piece?

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i meant thick!

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i drew your head, didn’t i?

It was the same inane dribbling that the two of them had turned into an art form.  It was their characteristically weak attempt at witty banter that she felt was lost in the face of his seeming lack of depth, and her tendency to overanalyze. What, exactly, they both got out of their dizzying exchanges was a complete puzzlement to her.

From:  

just think of where my tongue is going to be

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i’m assuming inside your head

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in my head plus …

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you haven’t been laid in like … weeks now, right?

should i be taking out some form of insurance?

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NO JUST MORNAL FUN SEX

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i just looked up the word “mornal” to see what it means

i couldn’t find it

i’m taking out insurance

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well it was misspelled …”normal”

don’t be wise

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don’t be dyslexic

i need a translator with your e-mails

SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From:  

you might be gone for the day

but … did you call here?

From:  

YEAH I CALLED THERE

WHATS ABOUT TONIGHT?

He insisted on seeing her that evening, despite the fact that she had been stricken with a dry cough that was keeping her awake until the early hours of each morning. He was standing in the cold outside the radio station waiting for her, his hands digging into his pockets for warmth, a backpack over his shoulder weighting him down. She could see him walk slowly and cautiously over to the passenger side when she pulled her car near the curb.

“Didn’t think you were comin,’” he said. He moved some of her textbooks out of his way and set them down by his feet.

“There’s a lot of traffic,” she said.  Her voice was scratchy and broken.

“You sound really healthy.” He smiled. “Not.”

“I told you I was sick.” 

“What are we listening to?” he asked, pointing his chin toward the car’s cassette player. A slow and smooth, smoky rendition of Kiss’s “Rock and Roll all Night” was seeping through the car’s stereo speakers. 

“It’s part of a mix that my friend Rutherford made for me,” she said.  She was relieved that he finally could hear music being played in her car that wasn’t a complete embarassment. 

“This is just a nice, friendly visit,” he said. He sat still in his seat and smiled at the open road ahead of them. “Just a friendly visit.”  

They drove for a little while without saying anything to one another. Maybe they really did have nothing in common, and it was possible that making conversation would never be as easy as peeling their clothes off. From what he described to her in terms of his actual experiences as well as fantasies, he seemed to know nothing of passion. He didn’t seem to want to know anything of passion. He only dreamt about and engaged in the mechanics of sex, or perhaps he liked to think of it as the adventure of sex. She realized that she would probably never be anything other than the prop he so often treated her like, because that was all he seemed capable of seeing her as.

“So …” she began. “Do you ever see yourself settling down?  Not too long ago you told me you could see yourself as monogamous.”

He shrugged. “Nah. I dunno. I guess I like variety too much.”

“What did Mona look like?” she asked. “I thought I saw her one night in Belchertown.”

“Short reddish, blackish hair. Nice butt. C cup chest.”

“Red highlights?” she asked. “What about her face?”

“Her face? Hmmmm … Tan. Nice smile,” he said.

“How would you describe me?” she asked.

He winked. 

“Come on,” she said. “Give me a description like you gave for Mona.”

“O.K.,” he said. “Nice long hair, nice eyes, lips.  I say B or C cup.”

Nice eyes, she thought. Nice long hair, nice lips. For that quick, passing moment, Nick seemed to be suggesting that he saw her as slightly more than simply a warm orifice. She was a warm orifice with nice eyes, nice long hair, and nice lips. She supposed that as long as she was made to feel like an attractive, warm orifice, then she was a warm orifice with a healthy, nurtured self-esteem as well.

She drove Nick to his parked car at the Commuter Rail station. She watched as he began walking across the vast parking lot toward his car. She waited until he was little more than a sliver of motion in the far, dark distance, and then she started driving back toward the thruway alone. 

From:

hope you like the key chains!

i left gifts for a few other people at the station, too

From:  

yeah they were cool thanks

i have a present for you

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what’s that?

From:  

you’ll have to unwrap it and find out

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ahhhh

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when u want your present

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are you going to the xmas party tomorrow night?

From:  

yes hunny

Lori was still clinging, restlessly grasping onto the shabby vestiges of what she knew deep down inside was slipping away. It seemed now to be mostly out of habit to wake up and send a few stimulus words off in haste through the computer, much as one gulps a hot cup of coffee or smokes a cigarette while scanning the morning paper.  But there was still a twisted, lingering desire driving her to keep the connection alive, no matter how she tried to deny it or downplay her feelings. There was still the vision of lips pressed against lips, and flesh sliding against flesh, even if she knew the reality never even came close anymore to matching the fantasy.

He loved to tease her about Angela, whom he still had not met in person. Lori couldn’t bring herself to admit to him that Angela would rather spend her time squeezing pimples on the dysenteric ass of a wild gazelle than participate in an orgy with him in all his naked glory.

From:

hehe

maybe ill have a fling with her … lol

From:

that’s fine with me

and you can go screw yourself, too

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hehe settle down girl

From:

are you bored with only me as a partner?

From:

not bored with you

From:  

so you wanna come over tonight after the party for some good dirty fun

From:  

so long as you don’t gravely upset me

From:  

ahhh ok

Lori and Angela arrived at the party an hour and a half after it had already started. Nick was standing with his back to the entrance of the crowded restaurant. He was wearing a gray knit sweater with rolled up sleeves, clutching a bottle of beer.   Lori lightly placed her hand on his hairy forearm and squeezed it.

“Well, hello,” he said, raising his eyebrows and turning to face her. 

“Hi,” Lori said. “Should you be drinking that?” she asked him, pointing to the cream ale in his hand.

“One or two once in a while won’t hurt me.” 

Lori nodded. “Angela? Get over here. I want you to meet Nick.”

“Who?” Angela was concentrating on buttoning her fire-red blazer with her cold, chapped hands as she approached him. “I’m sorry?”

“Nick,” Lori repeated.

He chuckled.

“Oh!” Angela said. She reached for his hand and shook it. “You look different from how I pictured you.”

“Is Helga or Burt here?” Lori asked him.

“Yeah, Burt’s right over there,” he said, pointing toward a group of people standing near a buffet table. 

Lori walked over to Burt and gave him a big hug.

“Lori!” he yelled, throwing his arms around her. “How are ya?” He tossed his head back to move some long brown strands of hair out of his eyes.

“Fine, fine. Where’s Helga?” she asked.

“Aah, she couldn’t make it,” he said. “Look at you… all dressed up!”

“Here,” Lori said. She lifted some small gifts out of the pockets of her cloak. “These are for you guys.”

“Thanks!” he said. He leaned toward her and whispered, “There’s so much that I want to talk to you about. I was going to call ya, you know. The other day.”

“Is everything all right?” Lori asked. She noticed that Angela and Nick were talking to each other a few feet away.

“Oh, yeah. No. Everything’s fine.” He drew hard on the end of his cigarette. “It’s just that they’re working us at the station to the bone now. And Helga, you know. Things with her, and the station, can get pretty intense sometimes, ya know?”

Lori nodded. She coughed into her gloves, which were still wrapped around her hands. The virus she had caught a week and a half earlier was still strangling her vocal cords and making her throat dry and her voice hoarse.

She slowly pulled her coat off, and then stood facing Nick. Her slinky, short-sleeved black dress suddenly felt foreign and odd against her skin. She peered up at him quickly, catching his gaze for only a second before nervously turning her head away.

She reached for one of many idle glasses of red wine on a nearby table. Burt tugged gently on her arm, and then guided her up a short flight of stairs to a quaint little alcove with sky blue-painted walls. They sat at a small, oval table with chairs overlooking a fire escape that led to some alleyway dumpsters. 

Lori looked over her shoulder and realized that she couldn’t see Nick anymore in the swarms of people below the stairs. Burt smashed his cigarette butt against a plate smeared with spaghetti sauce, and then pulled a fresh Winston out of a pack. While lighting it, he sucked hard on its end and blew a smoke ring into the air that wafted past Lori’s nose. 

“You know,” she said. “I remember when we used to bits together. There was one time I had such a splitting headache. Then you and I ended up laughing so hard that the headache just disappeared.”

Burt smiled. “We had some good times,” he said. “Came up with some good stuff.”

Angela approached with a plate filled with noodles. She sat down and began picking at the pasta on her dish. “Did you get anything to eat?” she asked Lori.

“Not yet,” she said.

“Eat! Will you? Jesus. That Nick is such a jerk. I didn’t think I’d be able to get rid of him. He was just hanging around me … and hanging around.” Angela filled her mouth with a batch of noodles that were stuck together.

Burt continued to talk.  Lori pretended to listen to him while looking out the window at a trash bin across the alleyway outside the restaurant. She pretended not to be irked by the thought of Nick preying on Angela as she stared at a piece of paper dangling from the edge of the dumpster and waving in the wind. 

She returned to scouring the masses of people below their table, straining to see Nick. She politely excused herself, stood up and migrated to the buffet table, where she loaded up a plate with lukewarm Italian food. She searched the entire room, yet still did not see a trace of his gray knit sweater or the hairy arms that had jutted out from it. 

He was gone.

From:  

so…

you shamelessly flirted with Angela

and then disappeared

what is wrong with you?

Lori sent the e-mail off from her home computer.  The wine that she drank at the party was doing nothing to tame the wild boar that once again was unleashed to wreak havoc in her brain. She silently crept into her bed and pulled her soft, patchwork comforter up around her shoulders. She thought back to the blur of beautiful autumn trees that she had been too impaired to enjoy as she drove along the lonely turnpike that one day. She wrapped the blanket tighter around her torso and nestled her head deep into her pillow, and she tried to distance herself just enough to realize how ridiculous all this really was.

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ohh hehe oh well

that’s me

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do you want it to be over?

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im just kidding settle down

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i’m not kidding

apparently you want it to be over

otherwise you wouldn’t have treated me the way you did

guess what?

i finally want it to be over too

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what ever i didn’t treat you any way bad

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i thought we had made plans to see one another

She moved her chair backwards away from the computer with such force that it crashed into her bed frame. She had never before been so verbose with him in an e-mail exchange, never before expressed herself so fully to him. Up until then she had been sporting kid gloves, and had been reluctant to put up too much of a fight for fear of losing. Her long-standing angst had been due to her long-standing acceptance of which of them actually had the power. She had warily acknowledged which of them was the one to supply and sell the drug, and which of them was really the desperate addict willing to give up anything- even dignity- for even just a small sample of it. 

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oh ok whatever … lol

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why did you do that?

i just want to know

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i didn’t do anything

Angela had played a string of angst-ridden songs for her one night at Lori’s apartment. Each successive song she played was angrier than the one before it, all obviously written by the most furious of women scorned.

“Listen to this,” Angela had said to her, staring dreamily up at the ceiling while lying lethargically at the edge of Lori’s bed.  “Just listen …” She started singing along with the melody resounding from the speakers of Lori’s stereo system. Her voice was clear and beautiful, and her eyes reflected the frustration of not being able to penetrate the impenetrable. 

“Just listen,” Angela repeated, losing herself in the music. 

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

For whatever reason, I am up at five AM.  

While washing dishes after I got home last night from the party, Paul came to mind. And I thought, “I don’t get it.” And waking up this morning, I have to say that I still … just don’t get it.  I don’t get why this has been so difficult for me.  There’d been no guy on the planet with whom I’d gotten along so well, with whom I could talk so easily, with whom LIFE was just so EASY.  Why, then, have I for so long been mesmerized with this other putrid schmuck?

I’m sorry I wanted to leave the party earlier than you, but in all honesty, I was feeling terrible … about the mind games … the fliration with you. Then he just left without so much as even saying good-bye.

Lori

From:

Subject:  Re:

To:

Hey Baby Cakes,

Nick REALLY wasn’t flirting with me. It was just awkward between us because after all this time we finally met…and it was tough for me to know how to talk to him, or what to say.  I was just trying to have a “normal” conversation with him… and getting off the subject of all the so-called women in his life. It was honestly just a boring as hell conversation.  He made NOmoves on me whatsoever. The only thing he said was that he wanted my phone number before the night was over … so that he could “harass” me with calls. But he never got it, so how much did he really want it? Lori, the guy is a player.  But he’s too much of a dink to be taken seriously. So that makes him a wannabe player. He’s absolutely pathetic, and I just cannot figure out what redeeming qualities you see in him. First of all, you NEED to stop this e-mail crap with him.  I know I’m just like you… and I HAVE indeed done what you are doing… but not for asLONG, I must say.  I mean, the thing with Ted (the sleazy cameraman) lasted only a few months… the thing with Doug Wolfe (the older man who couldn’t keep it up) lasted only a few weeks… and the thing with Rutherford, only two months. And while he still has an effect on me, there’s none of this creepy erotic e-mail crap! This is zapping your precious energy, Lori.  And I know that nothing I say in this e-mail is going to make a difference.  But I have to keep speaking my mind.

Anyhow, I have my own stressors these days.  I keep thinking my new job at Springfield’s Channel 6 is going to be taken from me once the network realizes they don’t want an ugly, fat girl on their airwaves. I’m having a bad self-esteem day, Lori.

Your L.L./S.F., 

Angela

It was the next day. Sitting on Lori’s computer were a series of delayed e-mail interactions that had obviously occurred the previous morning.  She had gone to sleep the night before assuming that Nick was not going to even attempt conjuring up a pacifying explanation for her, consumed either with sheer denial or the intoxicating power that comes with sadistic manipulation.

From:  

no i was just tired and i had to catch a train that’s why i left quick … sorry

There was only a trace of blood lining the infrastructure of the stone that was Nick Warren.  Although it was not nearly enough to sustain life, Lori was still touched to know that it was there at all. 

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i overreacted, and i’m sorry

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yeah you better be … 

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you still left without saying good-bye

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oh im sorry … it will never happen again

you feelin better

From:

still have a little bit of a cough … and a raspy voice 

From:  

hehe. how do you feel about some … to go in your …

From:

i honestly don’t know how i feel

Days elapsed with only scarce communication between the two of them. The few exchanges they had were only mildly seasoned on either end with subtle innuendos of desire. There were the typical upsurges of overt passion-driven intensity on Nick’s end, followed by cautious yet convivial replies on Lori’s end. And these upsurges, and the sweet anticipation they stirred, were followed by days and nights of disheartening empty silence and echoing distance.

(stay tuned for chapter 27…)

Here is a link to a real-life illustration of a challenging relationship dynamic, entitled “Reeling.”

And here are some other interesting and pertinent links:

DeMars Coaching – YouTube (DeMars Coaching)

Surviving Narcissism – YouTube (Dr. Les Carter)

NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone – YouTube (NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone)

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc – YouTube (Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc)

DoctorRamani – YouTube (DoctorRamani)