Brief Synopsis: Gathering Roses, influenced by real life events, was written a number of years ago. Yet there still is relevance to the fast-paced, Internet-driven world of today, where communication is facilitated but intimacy diminished, and where conflict is promoted without resolution.
Youtube link to audiobook of Chapter 18 and the rest of the book!
Chapter 18
It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over
Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
So I had to tell my Ayurvedic guide that I can’t continue my 70-dollar sessions with her. I do have a referral from my doctor for a counselor who’s on my insurance plan. She’s a licensed clinical social worker, as opposed to a doctor. The co-pays would only be 20 dollars. Sessions are limited, though.
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
Sounds good. It’s a start. Too bad you can’t continue with your Ayurvedic guide, though. Speaking of which, I still need to get those colonic cleansers she had suggested to you.
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
They are just called colon cleansers, not colonic. Is that even a word? I think I sent you a website where you could get them, didn’t I?
Angela
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
Oxygen Colonic Cleanser… There’s also Colonic Cleanser Dietary Oxygen Supplement. Don’t know if it’s the same thing as what your Ayurvedic guide suggested, but “colonic” is obviously a word.
Lori
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
I STAND CORRECTED. BITCH.
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
Did you ever just feel like you’re sitting in place, just spinning your wheels? That’s how I’ve been feeling, Angela, for a long time now … With college… Science … Broadcasting … It’s like, all this work, and all this running around … what’s the point? Where am I GOING with all this?
From:
Subject: Re:
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You have NOT been “spinning your wheels.” Would you PLEASE stop talking like that? You accomplish something every bloody day.
From:
Subject: Re:
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Like Paul always used to say, I’m one of those “perpetually dissatisfied” people. Guess it’s a pathology of sorts. I just always feel like whatever I’m doing just isn’t enough. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I swear it’s something that I always carry around with me. Maybe I have too many things in life that I’d like to accomplish and experience, and I feel like I haven’t even scraped the surface.
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
See, Lori, here’s the problem with your self-acknowledged “pathology” (and I do think you are correct in your assessment). When you talk or write to me about how much you think you still need to accomplish, it fills me with a sense of discomfort. It makes me feel very uneasy, because I get to thinking, “Damn, if she doesn’t think she’s accomplished enough, what can she possibly think of ME???” And it really clashes with MY insecurities that “I’m never good enough.” So I’m just sharing that with you so that you will know how your “issues” might negatively affect someone else. It’s the same when you chastise yourself for gaining weight and reaching 125-130 pounds, when you know that I’m pushing 180. Know what I mean?
Angela
From:
Subject: Re:
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Angela, as much as I understand what you’re saying, I really think you need to do some serious work on your own insecurities. You internalize a lot of what other people say or do and make it about you. That’s doing your own self a disservice. I don’t think about you when I’m thinking about myself. I’m just concentrating on the things that I want out of life. Has absolutely nothing to do with you or what you’ve done with your life. I figure, how can we even compare? And why would we want to? We’ve been leading separate lives, focusing on different things.
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
Oh, I know, I know. You are completely right! That’s why I made a point to say that sometimes your “pathology” (or whatever you want to call it) clashes with mine. I know I take everything personally and allow myself to feel inferior way too easily. I honestly do take responsibility for that.
That having been said, I need to tell you as a friend (the way Paul would) that if you do not “lighten up” on yourself, you are going to end up with some health problem that could at worst have the effect of keeping you from fulfilling any goal. Not trying to scare you, but I’ve seen it happen to too many people who are over-achievers. They end up making themselves so sick that they can’t achieve anything.
Life is meant to be enjoyed, Lori. You don’t need to be contributing to the world every minute of every day. It’s not healthy. It’s not fair to you or the people around you when you drive yourself so hard. That’s me being objective. I care about you. Stop. Relax. Smell the roses.
Angela
Lori decided to take the last two days of the workweek off from going to her classes. Her head was spinning in a cloud of turmoil, her heart as brittle as a sheet of hardened peanut-strewn molasses. If she did not break away, just for a short while, she was sure she would go mad.
Sitting on her living room couch in her little Springfield apartment on a late Thursday morning reminded Lori of being in a secluded cabin retreat in the middle of dense forest in mountainous terrain. She was alone with nothing but the sound of a clock ticking on a fireplace mantel, nothing but a stale box of crackers from the Neolithic Period she had pulled from the dark, webbed recesses of her kitchen cabinet, nothing but a pile of press releases on her coffee table.
She lifted the stack of articles high over her head, relishing the feeling of blood rushing fast down the lengths of her arms. She set the press releases down in front of her, and positioned an empty notepad next to them. She knew that although she was getting closer to what the radio station’s program coordinator wanted in terms of sounding more like a journalist, she still had a distance to go before he would consider using any of her work. She figured that all she needed were one or two solid days of uninterrupted concentration on the task at hand to bring her closer to success.
She needed to completely detach herself. She glanced carelessly at the shadowy doorway of her bedroom, and then shifted her eyes to the empty hallway just outside of it. She had hours and hours of solitude laid out before her like a scrumptious all-you-can-eat buffet.
She waited until late evening to take her first break from her work. She stood up, stretched her tightened back muscles, and casually meandered past her bedroom door and toward her dark, idle PC. While she waited for the computer to warm up, she could almost count down to the exact second when her gut would start to spasm with fluttering winged creatures bouncing off its walls. The mild euphoria she was beginning to feel from being quarantined for hours instantly waned once her fingers began pressing her personal e-mail code on the computer keys. The number “1” sat in her inbox. As she positioned the little pointing animated hand over the inbox, she worried that it was an Internet advertisement for a free camera or cell phone, or worse, an impersonal forwarded group message from her uncle Hyman.
It was Rutherford. It was a message that he had sent to her the previous night.
From:
Subject: Chipotle Rib Extravaganza!
To:
My “world” you asked, is one of ritual, foolishness, and boredom. I’m still obsessed with mastering Pac Man, and yet with all my progress and practice I still have yet to get a score better than 250,000. This game is driving me insane! All that matters in life is Pac Man, Lori. It’s a perfect metaphor for our worthless existences as well: The Pac Man guy is each of us; the “ghosts” are our obstacles to avoid and therefore overcome; the power-dots are our moments of inspiration and invincibility that get shorter and shorter as the game lags on; the “bonus fruits” are our meager rewards for our efforts; and ultimately we will always lose and DIE without beating the system.
I can’t think of any other video game that is so reflective of the way the real world works.
Either way, I’m just bored and tired with it all.
Rutherford
From:
Subject: Re:
To:
I suppose in my own way, I’m “bored” and “tired” of it all, too. I stayed home today to try to regain some momentum. I’ve been feeling really drained lately. I’ve been exhausted, and at the same time I can’t seem to get enough sleep.
I just have this kind of dull feeling. I don’t know what it is or where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s a slow, subtle descent into incurable insanity. I don’t know. All I know is that I feel “dull.”
Lori
From:
Subject: Rib Extravaganza!
To:
I understand what you mean about feeling “dull.” There’s nothing worse than an overwhelming sense of dullness in life. That “sharp” versus “dull” metaphor is a great one. Life just seems to have no “edge” sometimes … It’s worse than a dull knife. Have you ever tried to slice a really juicy, ripe tomato with a dull knife? Believe me, it’s a nightmare.
Listen, my darling, you need to EMBRACE your free time; utilize it for creative purposes; learn how to stare at the wall for 3 or 4 hours without thinking aboutANYTHING; consider the astronomical implications of the God-vs-Human-vs-Nature dynamic … ANYTHING. The reason you get “depressed” is because you’re uncomfortable with any lifestyle that isn’t pre-ordered, controlled, and easily predicted. Do you follow? Right now, you’re a slave to expectations that everyone ELSE has of you, rather than following your own true path. Tell me I’m wrong, dammit, you KNOW I’m right! You’re well on your way to becoming a wild-woman stuck in a laboratory frock…. A free spirit aching for release…
Rutherford (a.k.a. Ass Man)
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Subject: Re:
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Sometimes it’s a blessing to be alone because you can appreciate life in an undistracted kind of way that you otherwise couldn’t. I remember having plenty of “alone” moments back in high school that I still to this day look back on. I actually felt for a long time that my high school days were my “glory days”—mostly because I really didn’t MIND all those times being alone.
Lori
From:
Subject: Extravaganza!
To:
Deary-dear,
Being “alone” is the best thing that ever happened to me. It may sound strange, but I’m so glad that I didn’t grow up surrounded by friends/lovers/DISTRACTIONS you wouldn’t believe it. When I was a punk-ass adolescent and then a teenager, I was rather ugly and unattractive (huh? Are those separate things?), so I found myself alone almost ALL the time. At that age, I was miserable because I thought the key to life was connecting with people. But I quickly learned how to simply ACCEPT being alone and actually use it to my advantage. Now, I actually PREFER to be alone, and I think my track record with girls in particular supports that. I’ve decided that I LIKE being alone. Leave me alone!
Interestingly enough, did you know that the word “alone” is a conjunction of the words “all” and “one”? Think about it… ALL ONE = ALONE. The term “alone” was invented to explain the wholeness that a single individual feels even though she/he is seemingly separate from everyone else. I’m not making this up, Lori. You can look it up if you want. It’s another historical thingie that makes beautiful sense when you think about it.
Oh well, whatever. Tonight, I plan to finally break 300,000 on Pac Man. Wish me luck…
Rutherford (a.k.a. The Danish/Irish/Buddhist/Taoist/Pantheist/Orthodox dork)
Perhaps all Lori needed was to continue embracing her solitude to feel whole again. After all, it seemed as though the vast majority of the distress she felt at any point in her life could usually be traced to someone as opposed to something. It was possible that keeping herself a safe distance away from everything for just a few more hours, for just one more day, was enough to infuse her with the strength she needed.
She awakened the following morning feeling apprehensive. While she waited for a mug of instant cocoa to heat up in her microwave oven, she eased off of a twisted heap of blanket and slid into the chair in front of her computer. She stared owl-eyed as the computer screen slowly developed, barely conscious of the microwave beeping in the kitchen down the hall.
From: Lori
i’m going to be home all day. i’ll be checking my messages throughout, if you want to keep “in touch”
Lori
She grabbed her mug of steaming cocoa, hoisted her loose pajama bottoms up around her waist and walked over to her living room couch. She started perusing unread press releases. Clutching her drink, she read them over until she began reading over the same lines without grasping their meaning. She soon meandered back into her bedroom and sat cross-legged on the chair in front of her computer.
From:
WELL I WISH I COULD COME RIGHT OVER AND … YOUR LOVE BOX.
She smiled at the thought that this was the closest Nick had ever come to using the word “love” in reference to her. As she sipped the thin layer of lukewarm foam off of the surface of her hot chocolate, she wondered if Nick was truly capable of loving someone. She wondered if he was truly capable of caring about someone. She wondered if he was truly capable of liking someone, unconditionally.
From: Nick
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE WEARING.
From: Lori
satin bikini underwear and a sports bra
She glanced down at her coffee-stained, oversized white t-shirt and men’s pajamas with an unattractive plaid print design and open crotch flap. She took another sip of her cocoa, this time burning the tip of her tongue on the lava-like liquid.
From: Nick
WOW!!!
From: Lori
could you call me later?
From: Nick
I’M AT WORK SO I CAN’T CALL AND SAY THINGS LIKE WHAT I WANT TO…
From: Lori
can’t you call after work?
From: Nick
WELL I CAN BUT REMEMBER I LIVE WITH MONA STILL AND ITS TOUGH TO CALL WHEN SHE IS HOME … BUT THE SNEAKINESS MAKES IT MORE EXCITING!
She knew that she had no right to feel anything after reading what he had just written to her. Nonetheless, she felt as though she had a 105o fever and someone had just taken an ice cube and rubbed it against the small of her back. She stood up, stretched her legs, and walked back into her living room with the intention of trying to escape into more press releases. She lifted up a page on stem cell research, glared at it for several seconds, and then placed it back down on a large stack of untouched reports. She skulked back into her bedroom, sat down at the keyboard, and bit her lower lip until it started to sting as much as her tongue.
From: Lori
you’re back with Mona???!!!
From: Nick
I HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU…
From: Lori
the last time i talked to you was at the launch party
you told me she wanted to be alone
From: Nick
YEAH THAT WAS A WHILE AGO
From: Lori
so what’s the story with you two
From: Nick
she lives with me … dating i guess … that is what is up
From: Lori Solomon
live-in “playmates?”
From: Nick
yeah i guess you can say that … i like playmates
From: Lori
you don’t feel like you’re hurting her by going behind her back?
From: Nick
well what about your situation … with paul?
From: Lori
i don’t know
From: Lori
am i turning into your secret playmate?
From: Nick
yes you are…. is that a problem
From: Lori
no
that’s what i want
In truth, she had no idea what she wanted. And this was partly because she had no idea what he wanted. That is, if he truly wanted anything at all.
As for Paul, she hadn’t spoken to him since the night of the radioactive spill during her internship in the Drosophila lab. Shaken, the shrill sound of the activated Geiger counter still resonating in her ears long after she had left the scene, she had thought of Paul as the only person who always seemed to know just what to say to her to calm her. She recalled the relief she had felt upon hearing his voice on the other end of the phone.
“It’ll be okay,” he had said. “You have to remember that the half-life of P32 is really short. Even if you can’t get all of it up tonight, it’ll be gone before you know it.”
She couldn’t stop sobbing into the phone. “I’m going to get pregnant some day and give birth to a three-headed monster with ten legs!”
“Lori, trust me. As nasty as the stuff is, the spill could’ve been a lot worse if you were using something like tritium, which hangs around forever. And you found the contamination. Think about what would’ve happened if it went undetected.”
She walked into the bathroom and started to fill her tub with hot, sudsy water. She sat Indian-style on the bath mat with her fingers clutching the rim, and watched the bubbly surface creep slowly up the rusty porcelain walls. She stood up and dipped one foot in at a time. She hoped that all would come clear as the astronomical temperature anesthetized her skin and calmed her.
She was soon lost in the fragrant mist of serenity that filled the thick, heated air. After a while, she stood up and wrapped a clean, soft towel around herself. Trailing water and soapsuds across the hardwood floor of the narrow hallway leading into her bedroom, she felt relaxed enough to continue.
From: Lori
are we done for the day, playmate?
From: Nick
maybe
From: Lori
has the moment of excitement for you passed?
From: Nick
no
Lori roamed away again from the computer. She sat herself down in the middle of her living room couch, and began pouring over press releases and siphoning out those she thought would be interesting to broadcast. It was only when she felt as though she had gotten a decent amount done that she wandered back to the computer.
From: Lori
months ago you told me you wanted to commit to Mona
what changed?
From: Nick
ahh i dunno. its just me i guess. i like lots of different kinds to choose from
From: Lori
does she know this?
From: Nick
no.… oh well
From: Lori
you complained a while back that she cheated on you
that upset you, right?
From: Nick
yeah … oh well
From: Lori
you don’t seem to care too much one way or the other, do you?
From: Nick
i guess
lol … hehe
you cant get enough of me.
From: Lori
and you can’t get enough of me
am i right?
From: Nick
maybe … i have something you like and need and you have something that i like and need … so it seems that we help each other out in some way
From: Lori
is there something more that i’m giving you?
From: Nick
no i have shown the open doors to you of things that can be done differently and excitement
Lori sat back in her chair. Perhaps he typed faster than his thoughts came to mind, or perhaps he barely put any thought into his messages at all. Whatever the problem was, Lori often had as much difficulty trying to understand what he was writing as she did trying to understand the broken English of Pista Bakfark.
From: Lori
so what do you “need” from me?
From: Nick
just what i have been after!
From: Lori
but you’ve had me in the past
you’re not tired of it?
From: Nick
no …
(stay tuned for chapter 19…)
Here is a link to a real-life illustration of a challenging relationship dynamic, entitled “Reeling.”
And here are some other interesting and pertinent links:
DeMars Coaching – YouTube (DeMars Coaching)
Surviving Narcissism – YouTube (Dr. Les Carter)
NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone – YouTube (NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone)
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc – YouTube (Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc)
DoctorRamani – YouTube (DoctorRamani)