Link to the Youtube video and the rest of the series!

As her fans know, Siggie looks up to the Greats, the Terribles and even the Impalers of the past. She hopes to learn what it takes to someday make the history books herself! Episode 3 (Part 1) is the first of a two part series about Attila the Hun (c. 406-453 A.D.), yet another legendary military leader and ruler of the Hunnic Empire in central Europe from 434 to 453. Here Siggie first discusses who the Huns actually were. Then she describes Attila’s upbringing and rise to power, his relationship with the Roman Flavius Aetius, and his attacks of the Eastern Roman empire in 441-442, along with his brother and co-ruler Bleda. Cameo appearance in this episode by Dots, his relationship to Siggie unknown as he was the result of a test tube baby experiment gone awry.

Attila the Hun, or the King of the Huns. This dude was a fierce warrior,

one of the mightiest, most successful conquerors in history. Somebody I

genuinely look up to. Known as the “Scourge of God.” “Scourge” means a person or thing that

causes great trouble or suffering. Love it. It is also a whip that’s used as an

instrument of punishment. Either way, Attila isn’t exactly being regarded as a

nice guy. He and his brother, Bleda, became the leaders of the Huns, which were

Eurasian nomads in 434 AD. Wanton, barbaric, terrifying, destructive. Oh I

love it. These are what many people think of when they hear the name “Attila the

Hun.” But in Hungary, Attila is actually a national hero, regarded as a brilliant

negotiator. The Huns were essentially undefeated while he was leader. He was

born around 400 AD, somewhere… Nobody actually knows where. The same thing as

when he was buried, or where he was buried. Nobody really knows. So, the Huns

were made up of barbarians and Romans. They were basically nomads, and they did

did everything on horseback. I mean everything. They had already established

a huge empire in present-day Hungary by the time that Attila was born. 

The Huns were very unique. Very barbaric, decadent. They drank milk and they didn’t

cook their meat. Basically, that’s all they had was milk and meat, anything that,

you know, they that they could get from their herds. No houses, but rather wagons.

Dirty clothing. They raised horses and cattle. They moved into areas that they

took over where the Germanic barbarian tribes lived. They raided Roman provinces.

What a life. Their primary military techniques were javelin throwing and mounted

archery. I’m telling you, they did everything on the horses. They slept, they

ate, they fought. Get off the set, Dots! Everything was done on the horses.

Attila and his older brother were raised by his

uncles shortly after Attila was born and his father died. Attila learned to ride a

horse before he could walk. He learned to use a bow and arrow at a very early age.

He had a very interesting upbringing. So, we had the Eastern Roman Empire, Constantinople.

We also had the Western Roman Empire. They both adopted Christianity. The Roman

Empire was marked by assassinations and riots, as well as weak and corrupt emperors. The

Romans used barbarians as slaves and the Roman army was made up of barbarians. In

410 AD, the Romans sought peace with Huns. The Western Empire sent Aetius 

to live with the Huns and he became friends with Attila. This was basically

done as a hostage situation so that Aetius could learn about another culture, language,

military tactics, and ways of life. In the same vein, Attila was sent to be a

hostage of the court of the Western Roman Empire, where he learned about them.

Now Attila and Aegeus remained friends, you know, after they returned to their homes. But

Attila planned to conquer Rome because while he was there… he really hated it.

He thought they were like seriously corrupt. Meanwhile Aetius on the other hand

was more chill. He wanted everybody to embrace, kumbaya, and be friends. [Question:

Aetius and Attila I assume did not do this hostage trade at the exact same

time, because they had to meet each other to become friends. Do I have that right?] I

guess, I mean I guess it would have been impossible for them to become friends if

they were both sent to the other places you know at the exact same time. That’s a

silly question. All right. Anyway, the Greek historian Priscus

gave an account of what Attila was like. But who knows how accurate or unbiased

the account was. Because I don’t think that Priscus was a big fan of the Huns

and you know, this is the problem. We don’t really know very much about Attila,

you know, based on all these accounts because everybody had an axe to grind and

they all biased the descriptions of of the Huns.

At the early age of 32, he went to Italy to help

his buddy Aetius, who was caught up in power struggles. With Attila’s help, Aetius

earned the title “Master of Soldiers.” Attila was paid handsomely for about

15 years. He kicked butt, he pillaged, he slayed, he feigned attack, he retreated, he went

in for the kill. He had the Romans begging for peace, paying Attila off to

get it. This is basically most of Attila’s existence, just… you know… scaring

the crap out of people and getting paid handsomely and getting gifts. Ambassadors

would approach him and he’d be like, “No, no… I don’t want this. No, no… I

don’t want that.” He was just… He was a maniac,  an absolute maniac. That’s why

I love him. He was the master of extortion, gaining gold and power. By 442 AD,

Attila had conquered a ton and continued extorting. He married his first wife. He

had four sons. He was considered evil and menacing. Despite his wealth, he lived

humbly and modestly. He dressed down.  He ate off of, I think, wooden plates,

silverware instead of like metal or pewter. Did they have pewter back then?

Whatever. Everything was played down. He was really weird in that

he wanted to amass a lot of wealth but he didn’t really do anything with it.