Chapter 27

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you
African Proverb

From:

Subject:  Atomic dump

To:

So I spent most of last night scrounging around for scraps of wood to burn in my stove for some HEAT in this dump, in addition to taking frequent naps where I’d usually wake up screaming in horror when faced with the realization of how my life is in complete chaos right now. Check this out:

Dear Rutherford,

It has been reported to me by your supervisor Ashly Wood that you have failed to report to work. We were also informed that while you were working with an individual (they’re referring to Jimmy here), you were reported sleeping on the shift.

Your position with the agency has been terminated for violating TTS’s Personnel Policies and Work Rules.

TTS’s Personnel Policies Section #301; Immediate Discharge;

#8 Repeated absenteeism;

#14 Acting in a way which damages the reputation, prestige, or credibility of the Organization

#22 Other conduct which in the sole discretion of TSS, continued employment would be contrary to the Organization’s best interest.

TSS’s Work Rules:

#40 Sleeping on duty is prohibited, unless permitted for “asleep overnight” employees. Employees shall be awake, alert, and attentive at all times when on duty.

Rah Rah Rah… That’s basically it. I received this in the mail the day after I handed in my resignation notice. Two years of working for those dickheads and they send me a letter like this in the freaking mail?

Oh, well… I really don’t care. “Repeated absenteeism?” In the two years that I worked for those bastards, I think I called in sick like TWICE. Is that “repeated absenteeism” in your opinion?  “Other conduct which in the sole discretion of TSS, continued employment would be contrary to the Organization’s best interest?” I wonder if they’re talking about my rampant, obvious, and continued drug use. They knew I was doing coke and drinking whiskey on the job as far back as a year ago, but NOW it’s a problem! I’m speechless, precious.

I must go to bed now. I can’t believe what I’ve just read…

Rutherfugged

Angela and Lori sat across from each other in a darkened booth in a Chinese restaurant. Despite the poor lighting, Lori could see that the walls had been painted an emerald green color that matched the upholstery they were sitting on. Candles lit in dangling copper holders and raging fires from the centers of widely distributed Pu Pu platters cast enough light for Angela and Lori to be able to see their menus. And just enough light was also shining down on a furrow in Angela’s brow for Lori to sense that there was some kind of trouble brewing.

  “I want to apologize for dragging you into all of my ups and downs with Rutherford,” Angela said. She gently placed her reading glasses down on the table and lowered her menu. “I think I’ve made the mistake of dwelling too much on his negatives and not enough on his positives.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“We were together all day yesterday, talking. He was like an angel. I wasn’t feeling well, and he knew it, and he rubbed my back, and my feet… He was like a nursemaid. I think he’s a really good-hearted, caring soul. And the mistake I’ve been making is painting all these unfair pictures, based on things I should have been able to take in stride and not go to pieces over.”

Lori nodded, and took a sip of ice water.

“Now. That having been said,” Angela continued. “Do I think he’s immature and irresponsible and lazy at times? Absolutely! But every day I see him trying harder and harder to grow up and be responsible. And I always praise him when I see signs of maturity. People respond so much better to praise when they do the right thing, than criticism when they do the wrong thing, you know? I mean, he’s so smart and talented, yet he isn’t doing anything with it. I think he gets so overcome with everything that he should be doing to get himself back on track, that sometimes he just doesn’t do anything constructive- just rots in his apartment, or sometimes at the lake, just pissing time away. All I can do is be there for him as a friend.”

Lori nodded again, and took another sip of her water.

“We’ve been getting along so great, Lori. I mean really great. We spent the most incredible day yesterday. I’m telling you that when it was over we both felt like crying. But …  I just feel like such a fat cow when I’m with him. And it’s like, it has nothing to do with the way he treats me. Nothing whatsoever. He tries to make me feel like the most beautiful, sexiest girl in the world. And there’s no way he could be faking it because of the way he constantly looks at me and touches me. So… What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just accept this guy’s love and not question it? That’s really the issue here, Lori. I’ve got some big problems. Sometimes I think I have issues that I’m not even aware of.”

Lori shrugged, and took another sip of water. “Don’t know what to tell you, Angela,” she said.

Angela stared at her. 

Lori shrugged again. “I mean I just don’t know what you want me to say about this.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what you think?” Angela said, the furrow in her brow deepening.

“I’m in no position to make any judgments here. Just pay close attention to your instincts, I guess. And go from there.”

The waitress appeared and took their orders, and then their menus. Angela shot an angry look at Lori. 

Lori looked back at her, perplexed.

“Lori, I just want you to know that it hasn’t gone unnoticed that you haven’t exactly been your ‘warm, friendly’ self toward me lately.”

“What do you mean?”

“You seem pissed off at me a lot of the time. And I don’t think it’s my imagination, because you never used to be this way. Maybe I just shouldn’t talk to you anymore about Rutherford? I mean, I have enough tension in my life without adding more to it.”

“Angela, you know, earlier today at home, I played back some old voice-mail messages that you left. There was one where you sounded really upset, and were saying how you didn’t want to keep in touch with Rutherford because the fights between both of you were too painful. If Rutherford didn’t bother you the way he has a tendency to, then I wouldn’t have anything to say. Plus, his life is so up in the air right now.”

“But I really think he’s changing, Lori. I mean, I know he’s going through a lot, but I think it’s all for the better. The way it looks at this point is that we’re definitely together and happy. I mean, I’m keeping my guard up, and I still get insecure. But that’s all in my head, and has nothing to do with the way he treats me.”

“What about the drugs, Angela? What about his drug use?”

“He and I have talked about that. He’s gonna get help. He wants help, and I want to help him get that help. Look, Lori, I know what it’s like to have an addictive personality. I know what it’s like to feel broken inside and to reach out for things that make you feel intact, even though it’s those same things that tend to damage you even further.”

The waitress arrived with cokes in her hands. Lori pushed her glass of water to the side and clutched the glass of soda that was placed in front of her. She covered the tip of the straw with her lips and began sucking fiercely on it. 

“We went back to his place, Lori, where he lit scented candles, and we made love for literally hours. It was just beautiful.”

Lori looked up from her coke. She stared hard into Angela’s eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” Angela asked.

“Nothing,” Lori mumbled, lowering her eyes toward her straw and placing her lips over its tip again.

“I just feel so good when I am with him, Lori. This may sound like a small thing, but I love that he actually laughs at my jokes! When I was with Hugh, a few years back, it was like no one could be funny except him, and there were times when I could see him literally trying not to laugh if I said something funny. He had to be superior over me in every way. Rutherford seems so supportive of me… in every way. I just hope it lasts. I am in heaven when I am with him, Lori, and I hope so much that things continue to go well.”

“Food’s here,” Lori said, moving her drink to one side. A plate of orange chicken was set in front of her, with a side bowl of fried rice. She started to eat.

“Lori, I have never in my life had such an intense spiritual and emotional connection with anyone. Not even close. And it’s the ‘emotional’ closeness that I am certain makes the sex so off the scale. We’re spending the weekend together. His roommate is going away for the weekend, so I’ll be staying over there Saturday night.”

Lori continued to eat.

Angela sighed. “You know, I can’t help but take your silence a little personally. I think that you think I’m headed for a big fall. And no matter what I say to you about him, and all the change I see happening, all the change that I know is well in motion, that’s what you think, isn’t it?”

“You want everyone to ebb and flow with your moods and situations,” Lori said. She pitched her fork in the center of a piece of chicken and let it fall to one side. “And to forget the negative things you’ve said when you’re feeling positive, and to disagree with the positive things you’ve said when you’re feeling negative.”

“I don’t want everyone to ebb and flow with my moods and situations. I reject that statement completely,” Angela said.

“You want honesty. I give you honesty. And you don’t want to hear it. Tell you what. I won’t say anything to you unless I know it’s what you want to hear. But then you can’t blame me for not being a true, honest friend to you when I think you’re headed for trouble, or might want to hear a different perspective on a situation. You can’t have it both ways, and I’m getting a little tired running from one end of the spectrum with you to the other, not knowing which end you want/need me to be on!”

Angela sat, quietly staring down at her food. She rocked an egg roll back and forth on her plate with her fork.

“Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

Angela continued to play with the egg roll.

“Look. Relationships are tricky,” Lori said. “And what one might think will work might not, and what one might think won’t work, will. What do I know about it? The last thing you need is the input of a complete idiot like me.”

“I’m trying to tell you, Lori, that Rutherford and I are together, and are very happy,” Angela said. “But I do still struggle with general relationship issues and not feeling good enough. It’s never been easy for me in a relationship… All of my relationships with guys have been nothing short of disasters. Part of that’s because the guys I’ve been attracted to have been insecure and abusive. But the other part of it’s me and my insecurities and issues that make it so tough for me to just settle down.”

“I think if a person can let their guard down, just enough, it’s possible to feel love for just about anyone,” Lori said. “Even people who have hurt you.”

“That sounds like pretty evolved thinking on your part.”

“I just think that if more people saw life for what it really is … and realized that it’s not forever, it’d be easier to forgive and forget. It’d be seeing the big picture. We’re all just these sorts of pathetic creatures thrown into this bizarre realm, filled with all kinds of weird forces and wacky creations, for reasons that are completely beyond our ability to know, or probably to even understand.”

Angela reached over the table, tilted Lori’s glass of soda, and peered inside. “You just ordered a coke, right?”

“I think you’d be a lot happier if you looked at life a little differently.”

“I can’t … actually, I won’t forgive and forget when it comes to anyone I know who’s hurt me intentionally. And why should I? Why would I?”

“Because there’s just so much more to it, I think, than you’re allowing yourself to see,” Lori said.

“Well what about that Ulf Fucher guy you used to complain to me about? You’re telling me that your friend Pista would be willing to forgive and forget when it comes to someone like him, with everything you told me that went down between the two of them? I remember you telling me that Ulf guy was nasty even to you! And you were just a summer intern! No threat to him at all!”

“I had actually left a present for him, on his desk, before I left the lab.” 

“Lori…” Angela shook her head in disbelief. “He didn’t deserve a gift from you! He didn’t deserve anything from you!”

Lori shrugged.

“What did he do, after he saw he got a gift from you?”

“Nothing. I mean, he didn’t return it, or anything like that. I didn’t find it in the trash. So I’m assuming he accepted it.”

“But he didn’t thank you for it,” Angela said.

“No, but giving him the gift made me feel better, knowing that I at the very least tried to get him to see that there are people who mean well out there.”

Angela shook her head.

“I’m sure he’s got his reasons for being a prick,” Lori said. “I’m not saying they’re necessarily good reasons, but they’re his. Everybody’s got their own story to tell that makes them who they are.” Lori’s throat was getting dry. She took a sip of her soda.

“I’m sorry, but … None of what you’re saying makes any sense to me whatsoever.” A tiny bead of sweat glistened on Angela’s temple. 

“I just like the idea of trying to make a bad situation … not so bad. What’s wrong with that? I can’t change who he is or what he’s done to people he’s worked with. But I can let him know, in my own way, that things don’t have to continue being the way they are.”

“I think it’s all well and good to want to ‘rise above’ peoples’ bad behaviors. But it’s another thing to actually give them gifts when they’ve mistreated you. Jesus was all about ‘turning the other cheek,’ but he didn’t give people presents after they’d ‘sinned.’ He just told them he’d forgiven them and that they should try not to sin anymore. I’m not getting all religious on you here. I’m talking about how we … collective ‘we,’ including you and me who tend to be too nice to people who’ve hurt us … should deal with nasty people. Mainly to honor ourselves, but also to show those who’ve offended us that we respect ourselves too much to be taken advantage of. In other words, by rewarding these people, we’re actually ‘dissing’ ourselves. And doggonit, we are just as valuable as they are! Know what I’m getting at here?”

Lori shrugged.

Angela took her napkin and patted the side of her head with it. She lifted her glass of soda, brought her straw to her mouth, and finished her drink in one sip. “Ulf didn’t like you, Lori. I just don’t understand your motive here unless you have this need to be accepted by everyone you come in contact with. You told me you gave Nick a gift for Christmas, and I think it was an equally dishonest, selfish… and even manipulative thing to do. It’s like you’re trying to buy their love. Why do you feel you need these people in your life?”

“I don’t regret anything I’ve done, Angela,” Lori said. “And I don’t feel like debating about it. This conversation’s over.” Lori stood up and swept the check off the table. She fished frantically in her purse for enough money to cover the bill, and tossed it carelessly next to a poorly lit desert menu propped up as the table’s centerpiece. 

Angela trailed Lori closely as she made her way past tables and booths and flew through the front entrance of the restaurant. Once outside in the parking lot, Lori began searching for her car. 

“Lori, just because I don’t understand where you’re coming from on this doesn’t mean it has to turn into a big fight,” Angela said. She peered past Lori’s shoulder in search of her own vehicle. “Can’t we just agree to disagree, and leave it at that?”

“I’m not dishonest or manipulative … or whatever it was you called me,” Lori said, thrusting her car key into the front door lock.  She wondered how anyone could be so blinded by their own misery as to rebuke even the most humble attempts to see the positive over the negative. Were Angela’s wounds so deep that she had crossed over to the dark side, crusading against all and any who reminded her of how horribly flawed this world can be? If true, then Lori could understand how Angela would be drawn to someone like Rutherford, who was on his own eternal hell bent crusade, warranted as he believed it was from all the injustices bestowed on him over the years. 

“Lori, I just can’t help but be really against rewarding people for bad behavior! You and I… We’ve both just been through so much, and I think we give far more than we get, and I just can’t…”

“Angela, I don’t see where you and I have been through so much. Fighting a terminal disease is going through so much.Being on welfare while trying to support a family is going through so much. Getting your ass blown away overseas in a war is going through so much.  I just don’t see the purpose of going through life waving the white flag of surrender and playing the ultimate victim all the time.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to minimize the rejection and cruelty that you and I have gone through,” Angela said. She clutched her purse tightly and began walking away from Lori, toward her car. 

“It hasn’t been that bad for me, Angela!” Lori yelled.  “I wish you’d stop grouping us together as having had the exact same horribly traumatic experiences in life!”

“Well I don’t think that you and I… or you and I and Rutherford …would get along as well as we did if we didn’t share similar experiences in life,” Angela said. “And while we’re on the subject, I want to tell you how hurt I am that you’ve been anything but supportive of everything I’ve told you about him tonight.”

“You two had one good time together, Angela, and a whole bunch of really horrible times. Can’t you see that? You seem to be able to see with like laser vision all the doom and gloom hovering over just about everything that I do in this lifetime… I’m surprised that this one is escaping you. Rutherford just lost his job… Maybe he’s feeling extra needy right now, or maybe he’s just lonely. I think that you just might want to give this a little thought first before you draw any rock hard conclusions about where all this is going.”

Angela looked at Lori as though she had just sprouted goat horns and a hog’s snout with “666” branded into her forehead. She backed away from her slowly, and continued to inch her way toward her car. “I don’t have the emotional backbone for this,” Angela said, quickening her backward pace. “I can’t confide things in you only to have you come back with thoughts or advice that are damaging.”

“Damaging?” Lori said. “Now what I say to you is damaging, huh? Look, the way I see it, Angela, is that you don’t just invite people into your problems. You drag them in, and then you push them into a corner as to what they can, can’t, should, or shouldn’t say to you depending on what kind of mood you’re in. But that’s after you criticize them for not predicting what kind of mood you’re in before saying something to you that doesn’t jive with what you wanted or expected them to say!”

“Oh, oh!” Angela said, with her face suddenly strangely contorted. “Okay!” she screamed hysterically, waving her hands at Lori. “Good night!” she yelled, almost with a melody, as she disappeared in the front seat of her car. She pulled the vehicle out of the parking lot with vigor, the exhaust shooting out violently from behind and dissipating in the air almost as quickly as her car disappeared out of sight.

(stay tuned for chapter 28…)

Here is a link to a real-life illustration of a challenging relationship dynamic, entitled “Reeling.”

And here are some other interesting and pertinent links:

DeMars Coaching – YouTube (DeMars Coaching)

Surviving Narcissism – YouTube (Dr. Les Carter)

NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone – YouTube (NARCDAILY- You Are Not Alone)

Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc – YouTube (Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc)

DoctorRamani – YouTube (DoctorRamani)