Link to the Youtube video and the rest of the series!

As her fans know, Siggie looks up to the Greats, the Terribles and even the Impalers of the past. She hopes to learn what it takes to someday make the history books herself! Episode 2 (Part 1) is the first of a multi-part series about Julius Caesar (100 BC-44 BC), legendary military leader, member of the First Triumvirate, and eventual Dictator of Rome. Here Siggie discusses Caesar joining the Great Triumvirate, conquering the Gauls, and marching back to Rome in violation of Roman Law.

Siggie: Now enter Caesar’s highly conservative senator rival, Cato. Cato, Mr virtue. Mr I
can’t do anything wrong. Mr oh look at me, I’m so wonderful, I’m so I’m so righteous,
a follower of stoicism. Quite the opposite of our buddy Caesar, who like I said
you know had affairs to the left and right and who killed tons of people and
was proud of it. Anyway, Cato and Caesar really hated each other, and they messed
with each other in many, many different ways. Another enemy of Caesar’s was
Bibulus. He was yet another conservative that Caesar supporters ended up
assaulting by dumping doody over his head. Caesar was a conquering general. He was
was elected Consul. To continue to move up the ladder, he formed an alliance with
two extremely influential men, his already best buddy, Crassus, and Pompey the Great.
Pompey was seriously hot stuff in Rome. Only six years older than Caesar, but
a superstar. This alliance between the three men was called the Triumvirate. All
three benefited. Pompey could get the votes. Crassus had the money and had quite a bit of power, and Caesar was kind of like the glue between the two and he was the
rising star. So Bibulus, a nemesis of Caesar’s, he threw some serious salt in

Caesar’s game. Bibulus claimed that the gods were upset. He claimed that he saw a
flash of lightning in the sky and if Caesar went into the Senate that day he
was said to be going against the will of the Gods and breaking the law. Caesar
couldn’t be charged while still in office, but the moment he came back into
Rome as a private citizen he could be charged. Basically, these guys just tried
to find every creative way on Earth to screw each other up while they jumped
ahead, even if it meant throwing religion into the picture and making up
ridiculous things that people bought to hurt each other and get each other
imprisoned or whatever. So, here’s the deal. Two Consuls are supposed to be working
together every year. So, Caesar’s conservative pains in the neck enemies
chose Bibulus as the other Consul to make sure that Caesar’s life was as
impossibly difficult as was inhumanly possible. Caesar wasn’t having any of
this goofiness. His diabolical plan was to forge the Triumvirate, get himself
connected with two of the most powerful men in Rome.

So, Caesar next took a job in a province in Northern Italy that made
him a military general. Enter the so-called barbaric Gauls who lived in what
is now modern-day France. Caesar wanted to take over this province in 60 AD.
There were 12 million Gauls. Caesar said that he killed one million Gauls and he made
another million slaves and he was proud of this. So, the Gauls called Helvetii were
from what is now modern-day Switzerland. They were attacked by German tribes and
they moved into Southwestern Gaul, which was owned by the Romans. Caesar destroyed the
bridge that the Helvetii’s were trying to cross to prevent them from migrating, and
they tried to migrate another way. This was basically war. War I say! So over
several years Caesar made a lot of money. He built a bridge over the river Rhine.
He made a reputation for himself as seriously kick-butt. He conquered the Gauls
and German tribes as well as lots of killing of men and women and children.
Lots of massacres Caesar style in 55 BC. Caesar was in full-blown got-to-show-them-
how-awesome-I-am mode. He was 45 at the time. His Gallic wars continued through 51 BC.
Among his crazy antics were in 52 BC, Caesar erected not one but two walls
encircling the city of Alesia in eastern Gaul, which wouldn’t have been a problem had
the people trapped inside the walls not need to eat. The fall of Alesia
was not the end of the Gaul wars but it was the final major bruhaha. So as if all
of this wasn’t enough, he decided to to keep the flame burning by trying to
invade Britain, which was gold, silver, and pearl enriched, but it also had really
crappy weather. He tried to invade Britain but was unsuccessful, mostly
because of storms. He had to return with his tail between his legs with his
troops too gone. He tried again, not really having learned his lesson. It went a little
bit better this time. He didn’t actually conquer, uh despite winning a battle. He
just didn’t have the troops for real, you know, conquest. Uh, so he ended up doing
something kind of lame, like imposing attacks, which you know they kind of
forgot about and whatever, so this wasn’t really one of his most stellar
moments. Uh like almost 100 years later, Caligula was like, “well okay uh Caesar
didn’t do it but I’m going to do it” and yeah whatever. He failed miserably too but
he wasn’t exactly as you know Julius Caesar. Anyhow win or lose, during this time
uh he was becoming a serious threat to Pompey, who had realigned himself with the
Senate, and this was also following the very graphic death of Crassus who had
molten gold poured down his throat. The Senate ordered Caesar to stop
all of his military shenanigans and come back to Rome, and Caesar said “no way Jose.”
He defied the Senate by Crossing the Rubicon, the infamous crossing of the
Rubicon… ain’t no turning back now… and marching toward Rome with an army.